I had my first encounter with grief at the young age of 21 when my best friend and brother Keith died. I had lost my Grandad the year before but he was in his late 80s and had been ill for so long, I could handle it better and took it in my stride. I was so wrapped up in helping my nana and my dad, my grief did not really come forward.
But in March 1989 I would never be the same again. Keith had not been ill, there where no warnings for me to prepare me in any way, not that this lessens the grief at all, but for us it was a knock at the door with the police informing us that he had been found dead.
Life effectively ended that night and it never returned to our normal again. It ripped us apart as a family and the months and years that followed seemed to be an endless round of crying and sadness in one form or another.
Every simple tasks like food shopping became a daily reminder of Keith. They would play a song I would associate with him, or I would see his favourite food and I would start crying again. Keith has been in heaven for nearly 30 years now and although I can actually talk about him without crying now there are still times when my heart breaks and the tears stream.
People find it very hard to talk about how they feel and I have found many keep their emotions locked away inside of them and this can lead to an entirely different kind of issue in future years, perhaps leading to anxiety and panic attacks, something I myself encountered.
It is vital in the early stages to release some of the pain and talk when you can, often talking it through can for a short time, let you understand how you feel and can enable you to focus on the pain rather than push it away.
Self help groups can be invaluable and it’s brilliant to be able to just sit with others who to a certain extent know how you feel as they are on their journey also. Talking through ideas on how to share memories or face anniversary days are also of great comfort in these early stages.
Depression and anxiety are very common side effects of grieving but for many they become so upset and often embarrassed that they hide this away also. It is nothing to be ashamed of and I urge anyone of you reading this now if this is how you are all feeling, actively seek help.
I think for the first few years we almost put life on hold and feel guilty going out and having fun or laughing and I can remember thinking what would people think of me out having fun. But that is what our loved ones in heaven want us to do!
You cant be healed, it isn’t an illness but you can learn to adapt to a new way of living after a while. A new perspective on life without that special someone in it, a new way of living.
The most important thing to remember it all takes time. Rushing through things can be problematic in itself and pushing the feelings away or under the surface will only cause a deeper problem.