DO YOU FEEL GUILTY?
I often find during some of my readings that the person who is having the reading feels guilty for being the one who has survived.
The first time l came across this I didn’t really understand the concept to be honest with you. But I can remember the feeling of sadness surrounding it.
My brother Keith died when I was 21 and he was 26. He took his own life and it was totally and I mean totally not expected. He had shown no signs of this although our family was struggling at the time (a talk for another day). We had the knock at the door to tell us he had been found and boom it hit us like a concrete block to the face.
I believe that grief hits us in different ways depending on our relationship to the person we are mourning. My grief was entirely different to that of my parents, I had lost a brother but they had lost a son . It isn’t a competition by any means here but I didn’t fully appreciate what they were going through until I had kids of my own and had to contemplate how they must have felt. I, on the other hand was missing my brother, my best friend, my wing man, my buddy and that in itself is a different kind of grief. I didn’t feel guilty for being alive at all, but my grandma did!
She took it so badly that is consumed her every moment of living her 80+ years on this earth and she could not forgive herself for being alive and Keith was not. We tried to tell her it was his choice and that was his journey but she would have none of it.
Very sadly within a year, she herself has died. I know in my heart she willed herself across and could no longer cope with the survivors guilt.
Until my latter years I had no idea it was even a “thing” and only then did I fully understand the meaning and revisited those sad times for me with a different set of eyes and I realised what it meant.
In so many sittings l now encounter it and not just from our older relatives. I had a sitting a while ago where a brother had crossed over in a car accident and the brother with whom I was reading should have also been in the car. The guilt he was feeling was overwhelming and literally destroying his life. The brother in spirit so had something to say to him, l can tell you!
It is the last thing our loved ones need us to feel, they are able to accept their journey and move forward from this and urge us to do the same. I hear it again and again…MOVE ON!
I love this from a favourite page of mine – WHAT’S YOUR GRIEF.COM
Guilt. We have talked about it from a lot of different angles around here. We have talked about the should of, would of, could of. We have talked about regret, about guilt after an overdose death and about how to find self-forgiveness when we are grieving. Just when you thought there was no way we could keep talking about it, last week we got an email asking about another aspect of guilt: survivor guilt.
You ask, we answer, so today we are bringing you a post breaking down the ins and outs of survivor guilt.
Okay, so survivor guilt. This is a complicated topic, so I am going to give you a quick outline of where we are going with this post.
First, what the heck is survivor guilt? Next, what are some circumstances when survivors’ guilt is common and what does it look like? Finally, what do you DO about survivors’ guilt?
What the Heck is Survivors’ Guilt?
On a basic level survivor guilt is exactly what it sounds like: a sense of deep guilt that comes when one survives something. If you have heard of survivor guilt before what likely comes to mind is survivors of wars, natural disasters or other traumas. Survivor guilt was actually first documented and discussed after the Holocaust and what has become clear in the decades that have followed is that survivors’ guilt is far more common than was initially understood. Survivor guilt was previously a diagnosis in the DSM, but was removed and now is a symptom of PTSD. That said, one can experience survivor guilt independent of a PTSD diagnosis.
What makes survivor guilt especially complex is that the experience varies dramatically for each individual. Whether a person experiences survivor guilt, its duration and its intensity all vary from person to person. But the underlying feelings are similar: feeling guilt that you survived when someone else died and that you do not deserve to live when another person did not. In some cases this includes feeling you could have done more to save another person, in other cases it is feeling guilt that another person died saving you (a circumstance recently covered in the media after the Colorado movie theatre shooting, where three men died protecting their girlfriends).
So when might one experience survivor guilt?
Some of the familiar circumstances one experience survivor guilt are:
After surviving war
Surviving an accident
Surviving natural disaster
Surviving an act of violence
Some less-discussed circumstances that can trigger survivor guilt are:
After surviving an illness that is fatal for others
After a fellow drug-user dies of an overdose
When a parent dies from complications of childbirth
After receiving an organ transplant
After causing an accident in which others died
Guilt for not being present at the time of an accident to potentially save the person who died.
When a child dies before a parent
Death of a sibling, especially in the case of an illness
As with so many types of guilt that arise in grief, some survivor guilt is rational and some is not. There are some circumstances in which our action (or lack of action) did impact the death of another. In these cases there is a rational source of the guilt. It is terrible, it can be debilitating, but it in some ways makes sense to other people. In other cases our guilt isn’t tied to something we did or didn’t do. Instead a person feels guilt that they could or should have done something, even when logically and rationally nothing they did impacted the death. Though it seems we should be able to use logic to address this guilt, we often cannot. As some theorists have suggested, this may be because it is preferable to blame ourselves for things outside our control than accept that there are situations over which we are completely helpless. Regardless of the reason, when our survivor guilt is not rational that is when people will tend to minimize the guilt, just telling you not to feel guilty, or that you shouldn’t feel guilty.
One of the significant questions that can plague someone experiencing survivor guilt is ‘why?’. This can take the form of asking why this happened but also, ‘why me’? So many experiencing survivor guilt struggle to understand why they survived and others did not. It is common to feel that one was not worthy of survival. Additionally, as someone feels relief and appreciation for their survival, they often simultaneously feel guilt and shame for having those feelings when others did not survive.
One important thing to remember is, rational or irrational, survivor guilt is normal. In and of itself it isn’t a sign of unhealthy grief, despite the fact that some people will make you feel like it isn’t okay to feel guilt. That said, sometimes survivor guilt doesn’t begin to resolve naturally over time. Sometimes it becomes overwhelming or obsessive, the guilt thoughts become so intrusive that you can’t function. Then, of course, it is important to get help. So, the question is: what can you do?
Accept what you are feeling. Guilt is a stigmatized emotion, as people can make us feel that it is wrong to feel guilty. Keep in mind that guilt is not, on its own, a problem. It is a natural feeling that needs to be acknowledged, accepted and processed.
Know you’re not alone. Survivor guilt is much more common than people realize. Finding a support group or other space to connect with others experiencing similar feelings can be very helpful in sharing feelings and feeling less isolated.
Remember that your relief and appreciation for your survival can co-exist with your grief for those who died. Celebrating your own survival does not in any way diminish your grief for those who did not survive.
Grieve those who died. In some cases, those who died are not people you knew personally or knew well. This does not mean you cannot take space to mourn those who died in a way that is personal and meaningful for you.
Do something with your guilt. Whether rational or irrational, you can use your guilt to help others. What you do may come out of things you have learned. Whether it is educating others so they can avoid the mistakes you feel guilty about, raising awareness about causes of death (anything from heart disease to substance abuse to suicide), or simply encouraging others to talk with their family about end of life wishes, you can use many guilt experiences to help others.
Don’t get stuck on the ‘whys’. Like a small child can’t stop asking ‘why’, when events like this happen we often fixate the ‘why’. If there is a ‘why’, we can’t know what it is no matter how long we obsess about the question. Difficult as it it, try to let go of asking the ‘why’ question and focus on the meaning you can create from your survival. Whether it is big or small, seek the ways you will create something from this second chance.
Though survivor guilt is unique, it shares features with other types of guilt that might be helpful.
Embrace life. Cheesy, I know. But in spite of your feelings of guilt it is important to enjoy the life you have been given. In the depths of guilt this can be hard, but it can also be an extremely helpful part of digging out of that hole by feeling you are valuing the gift you were give.
Talk to a counselor. If you are still struggling with survivor guilt it may be time to get some professional help. Look for a counselor in your area. A counselor with experience in trauma may be an especially good fit, as they likely have experience with this type of guilt.
Dealt with survivor guilt? Leave a comment!
Remember you are never alone in this feeling but mostly our loved ones do not want us to carry this burden
Love paula x