In all of my readings and live events I ALWAYS say the same thing about grief, the first year is often easier than the second and subsequent years! This may come as a surprise to some of you and for some of you… well it might not and you may be sat nodding your head in agreement with me right now.
You see in the first year the attention is still very much on the overall loss in the weeks following the passing, there is a lot to do and people very much focus on helping you when they can.
You have the funeral to prepare and then afterwards perhaps there is houses to sort out and personal belongings to look after and you fill your time up with the crying and in most the grieving. People still tread very gently around you and you will be allowed time out to prepare your mind and to just allow what has happened to simply be.
People understand that you’re quiet and maybe not the person they know you to be and all of that flies beautifully under the heading of grief! People will say “Oh never mind, she has just lost her mum” as if a warning signal has been omitted to pre warn everyone to be careful when around you. All of that in the first year is perfectly normal and very needed if we are being honest here.
We then have all the firsts to prepare for; first birthday, first Christmas etc. and then first Anniversary of the loss. Suddenly, we are in year 2 and for most this is when it changes rapidly. It’s as if the death has gone from most people’s minds around you unless you are directly involved in the loss. Everyone else has gone back to ‘NORMAL’ but sadly for you there will never be a ‘NORMAL’ again.
People now don’t send out the warning notice before you arrive and the “just lost someone tag” is no longer used as it was last year instead. Sadly, for the main part everyone else has just got on with their lives and YOU are expected to do the same, no excuses are given anymore for your behaviour and in fact it sometimes can be the total opposite. Many might suggest you need therapy when in actual fact all you need is the time to grieve.
Some may suggest you get out more or start to live again, some might say “You should be over it by now” or you might be the talk of everyone because you’re not your normal self!
There is then one of the worst for me, where people ignore you totally because they don’t quite know how to handle the death or they literally don’t know what to say to you, so you get blanked and often not invited to things you perhaps once did. This just upsets you more and can often spiral into something worse than the original grief.
For many of you the second year birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day etc. is just bringing it deeper into your mind that they are never coming back, except this time there isn’t the support network around you that you had in year 1. The honest truth is that we are left to face most of this on our own. We have maybe had to return to work, look after things in an entirely different way but yet we are still grieving.
The important thing is to not compare your grief to another’s, throw away the time clock on how long to grieve and do it your way! People will be people no matter what and everyone always has opinions on how it should be done yes, even grief.
Sometimes one of the biggest contributors to making year 2 hard is guilt. For some of us we may feel a little ready to begin again and perhaps venture outside into the real world but we are afraid of what people may say?
We might want to learn something new or even go dating after the loss of a spouse but be afraid to do this and often feel guilty for being alive! I always advise to do what feels right to you. Whatever we decide to do, our loved ones in heaven will always look after us and for them to see us happy is a huge bonus.
Be prepared to be hit now and then with unexpected reminders of the loss and allow the tears to flow if something suddenly sparks this… it’s normal!
My Keithy has been in heaven for 29 years this year… 29 years! It doesn’t seem possible and I still get tears and unexpected moments of grief. Isn’t it the price we pay for love?
Year two for many is the daunting reminder that this is it… we will never know normal again. The comfort blanket from year 1 is now missing and we often have to face life on our own, our own way of coping without the stabilisers on. Bowling with no bumpers! It’s raw, it still hurts but it is NORMAL!
One of the important things to point out is do not be afraid to ask for help. If you feel you simply can’t do it on your own then seek out help, talk to someone about how you feel. There are 100’s of support groups for you, some of them even local in your community and if there isn’t one suited to your needs why not start one?
I hope this helped a little wherever you are on your journey through grief. It does with time get softer around the edges and the cut perhaps gets a little less deep with time. I am not of the opinion that time heals all wounds…. but I do believe we adapt to our new found life and time allows that.
Love as always Paula