HEALING CAN TAKE A LIFETIME AND THEN SOME
GRIEF is not a get over quickly type of thing , I have found this on my own personal journey through grief. I have over the years encountered every kind of grief , both on my journey and in my work. I have read every book and script in the world , or it sometimes feels this way and have myself written about it many times. I have however come to realise that this is an endless journey and although we talk about healing , I don’t feel I will ever heal from the loss of my brother through suicide. To be fair it would not have mattered how he died , if I’m honest, it was the how and the when and I was not prepared for death at that age. I will not heal until I take my last breath and that’s actually OK . I am OK with that !
I have lived a life and have some amazing fun times to look back on as I understand this is what we have to do , living is what they want us to do and by they ~ I mean our heaven family. I have looked at my friend who lost her son tragically to cancer at the tender age of 19, take an incredible journey through grief since his passing and on the anniversary of his becoming an Angel day , I said to her “I don’t know how you do it “ her reply , very succinctly put “neither do I “
This resonated with me greatly , how do we survive ? Is it because we have no choice ? But then again there is always a choice is there not ?
I feel this way ……grief is like open heart surgery, a huge enormous heart surgery …….you have to heal from this surgery and some skin heals quicker and some longer……
If you close the wound without dealing with the problem it could go infected , if you don’t deal with the grief correctly and face it , then you can become infected if you like in your mind , your heart , your soul. This takes time , each layer has to be dealt with individually.
Long after having surgery on my nose some 34 years ago , it still has not healed quite correctly ! I have the scar inside and its ok because I know how to deal with it when it causes me issues. The same as grief, these days at least I know what sets me off and how to deal with these situations.
Sometimes like the surgery you may have set backs, some days the wound hurts a little more , as in grief. Some days we can just cry for all the reasons it hurts and other days we deal with it brilliantly. This is normal .
I have long advocated that we simply don’t heal , the saying times heals has always annoyed me . I think time allows us to adapt , but not actually heal. For some healing is simply like trying to fill the Grand Canyon with playdoh , a seemingly impossible task !
Even long after the surgery we are still left with the scar, to remind us of the huge journey we have been on , like grief the scars are there and will remain there for a lifetime. The worst of it for most is that these scars are hidden deep within ourselves and people forget as they move on with their life , that we still have them. Take care of your scars , they are the link to what you have lost and been a part of, they define who you are and just how far you have come.
It is important during this time to surround yourself with a good network of people , who can support you and it is vital to acknowledge when you need help. If that scar from the surgery was bleeding you would not just leave it would you ? No of course not, you would tell a nurse and they would see to it for you ! It’s just as important next time you feel vulnerable , let others know. I don’t think as a nation we talk anywhere near enough about mental health and internal struggles. Irrelevant of what is causing the pain or the struggle….. the old adage “ A problem shared , is a problem halved “
I know from dealing with people who simply cannot recover from their grief that one of the most frequently asked questions is to ask their Angels to take them too …..this is very common after the loss of a child or spouse . The answer given to me is always the same “ Not yet , the time is not right “ for some this is simply not what they want to us to hear , but the long and the short of it is that they want us to live a life, live our life to the best of our ability . So while I’m grieving , and trying to heal , I live. I joke and have fun and enjoy my kids and my husband and my life as much as I can and I allow off days ……I allow the tears and the heart to ache because it is normal !
I know when the day comes. For me no longer to walk this earth that my Keithy will be waiting with open arms along with my Mikey and mum and then and only then will I heal …..until then ….well they’ve got my back and I doing good ! 29 years later and I’m doing good !!
Love as always Paula