The Do’s and Don’ts Explained

Every one and I mean everyone at some point in their life is going to grieve and we can add to that list that everyone without exception will know someone who is grieving or will be at some point in their life.
For many this is such a tentative subject with many potholes and minefields of do’s and don’ts. There is no literal guide book and so we have to do what we feel is best to help but in certain situations this can make it worse for the grieving. I have compiled below a self help list if you like, of things that are total and absolute NO’S and things that can actually help. You never know when you may need them so read it well and share if you can to help a grieving person.

I think the worst thing we do is to compare griefs.  It doesn’t matter if you have lost your mum and you are helping a friend who has just experienced this. Your mums are not the same therefore, the relationship is not the same and you have no idea how this person feels about their mum for instance.
Not everything in a relationship is black or white is it?  Instead ask about their mum, what was she like maybe or more importantly ask how they feel directly without any reference to your loss. REMEMBER this is about their loss this time not your own.
Never minimize a person’s grief. I find this happens more when dealing with child loss or even more so with miscarriage. You would be shocked at some of the purely heartless things someone can say in their effort to actually help.

A death is a death and really the time scale is irrelevant. You have no idea what a person is feeling about that loss. The grief belongs entirely to them even if you think their level of grief is inappropriate for the loss. Your opinions really have no place in their own personal issue.
Be an ear rather than a voice and let them speak about it in their own words. A cuddle or a hug can often speak more words then you would ever know.
Do not be a cheerleader and try to make everything whoop de do. There is a time for happy happy happy and at certain points in a person’s life it is not needed, a dark time is that for a reason.
Allowing grief is so vital in a person’s journey and trying to rush it can impair the journey and really impact on the future.  In the Victorian ages they wore black for a reason, it was to alert people that they were indeed grieving. A warning if you like to not approach.   
I think it was a brilliant idea and perhaps something we should adopt in a smaller way! Instead try to mirror their reality, if they say “this is so bad’ agree and support. Don’t say snap out of it or cheer up EVER. The person alone knows how they feel.
Don’t talk about later and the future, for the person grieving they cannot even think passed the day they are currently surviving let alone tomorrow or next week. Let the guide you with their timing. If they want to talk about the past then simply join them there and ask questions to encourage it. Try and always stay in this moment with them.

Don’t Start With Solutions

People need to be heard not fixed. Even if you are biting at the bit to say something on how you feel it SHOULD be done try and restrain your mouth!
Always make sure the person grieving has asked for your opinion before you offer help, this is the only way it should be given and never start giving it by saying “when I was in your situation”, you were never in their situation in the first place no matter how similar it may appear to be. If you don’t know what to say try – “I am sorry for your loss, I am here for you, I don’t know what to say, I’m at a loss for words”. Whatever you do or say, remember these things:

• Acknowledge the loss
• Listen but do not try to fix
• Encourage and give them hope
• Practice the being in this moment

Inquire how I’m doing, what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me “it must be hard” or “you must feel so awful.” Ask me, but don’t tell me. Ask again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Be gentle when asking, it doesn’t need to be an interrogation.
Suggestions:

• “How are you coping?”
• “What kind of help would be supportive for you?” (Make a couple of suggestions)
• “May I bring some food over tonight?”
• “Would you like me to just be there with you?”
• “What did the doctor say?”
• “Do you have anyone you can talk to?”
• “I’m so sorry”

Show you care, sometimes it’s the little messages “I’m thinking of you” that mean a lot. I hear you, I’ve been thinking of you, I am here for you, my heart goes out to you.
Don’t try and offer alternatives in their life as a way of feeling better.  Allow them to feel the grief they are feeling. Telling them they still have another sibling or child or parent is not the way forward!
Doing that seems like you are ignoring the loss they are feeling and that the person is actually grieving. This should NEVER be the case. You role is to help and that only.
I hope this has helped and I have only covered the basics in this topic, more will follow over the coming months.
Above all be the friend they need, nothing more, nothing less. 
Love as always
Paula