For many of us the subject of grief didn’t hit until we actually had to do the very thing we dread and that is actually grieve. There are no words to explain that feeling although plenty have been written and published but until you feel that heart wrenching , throat clenching grip that death has a hold of you by it is impossible to try and grasp the very concept of how it feels.
There are several categories of grief in my mind and I have to point out at this stage this is entirely my take on my journey through my own grief and how I perceive it. I am not a writer or even a scholar for that matter, someone has to proof read my diction and my spelling and I tend to write how I speak, fast and often without filters but, it comes from the heart and with feeling and a lot of love.
My first trip into grieving was in 1985 when my Grandad died. He was actually my step grandfather on dad’s side, the only one I knew. A very reserved man with very little show of emotion in his life, always immaculate in his dress, shirt and tie every day . He was a First World War fighter pilot and his brother was in the battle of the Somme and sadly died for our country. I saw him most Sunday’s and I know I was his favourite of all the grandchildren he had. He had a hip replacement done in his early 80’s and the anesthetic didn’t agree with him and it affected his mind and brought on the early onset of dementia. It was tragic to watch this true gentleman literally disappear before my eyes. He lost his fight in August 1985 . I grieved and was sad most definitely and I mourned him for my Grandma’s sake but my life went on and things became normal I suppose very quickly. At that point I never considered grief to be hard or difficult to deal with and most certainly never looked at mortality daily because of it. However, in March 1989 my entire life would stop and grief would get hold of me forever in a strangle hold I still feel today and will never forget my first meeting with this evil thing!
March 12th, 10pm the police knocked on my door to tell me my brother Keith had been found dead. My brother, my best friend, the love of my life, I don’t mind admitting it. I worshipped this man , he was EVERYTHING to me and more besides. I was sick , I vomited when they told me , I shook, I hyperventilated and couldn’t breathe. Nothing has ever felt so bad in my life at that point as that news. That night my life changed forever. To me if I class grief in a category that was class A as bad as it gets.
I have lost my mum also and that was class A although the circumstances were different. I also lost my dad but that was a Class B to me. Down a peg or two due to the circumstances in our relationship before he crossed. I have lost both my grandmas and they would be a C as they all passed after Keith and I level everything as to how his death affected me . My other brother Mikey died in June 2013 and he was an A also and I felt like I did when Keith died . I have never experienced the death of a child or the death of my husband and hope I never do as I know there will simply not be a category I can place that pain in .
I have over the years had the pain soften and the intensity dull slightly but the grief still remains and now l look for the signs for them to prove to me they are around still enriching my world . I am so lucky to be able to work with my brothers and on a good day it is so superbly special but like all of you reading this I have my bad days too and on those days nothing will ever be enough .
I don’t know where on my crazy grief class you are and what you have experienced during your journey but I can tell you the pain does ease with time and although life may never return to the normal it once was it takes on a new pathway and on that pathway many things can be enjoyed and shared with your loved ones above. I have found new joys to not replace the old ones but to perhaps walk alongside side them.
Allow your loved ones to give you new experiences and new gifts and walk with them every day as they walk with us . Perhaps during this walk with them here on earth little by little they may give you the gift is being yourself once more in a sea of endless Unknowns you may just find a boat and a paddle!