How Long Do I Grieve ?
People have been grieving since the dawn of time, death is an inevitable part of life . Part of the never ending cycle of who we are. At some point in life all of us will have to lose someone close to us, or be the person that someone actually grieves for. It comes with no warning for some and for others who have to live with that fear hanging over their head as perhaps they nurse someone through their last days. I don’t think any of us ever prepare for the feeling that grieving gives us.
There is no guide book, no rules , just a huge abyss , a cavernous hole with no end in sight.
Wikipedia defines grief :
“Grief is a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to that loss.”
In my work obviously I face people who are grieving every day and you would be surprised how grief actually changes people and how divided people’s choices are in their own personal life after they have suffered a loss of someone they love.
A natural response is one of huge sadness and often our reactions to grief are based on how the loss occurred. Many times when the loss is sudden and or unexpected , perhaps at the hands of someone else then the grief is represented by huge anger. This anger often pushes a person through the first few months, sometimes years and they become almost consumed and often forget to simply cry and let it out.
After a suicide (something I know only too well ) we are left feeling guilty and bewildered , trying so hard to understand the simple question WHY? Often with no definitive answers at all ,this can then be overtaken with anger and subsequent frustration that we didn’t see it happening before our very eyes.
Someone once said the only cure for grief is to grieve ! Wise words…….but for how long ?
In the Victorian era people would wear black to warn others that they were grieving. Queen Victoria herself after the death of her husband was noted for always wearing black . This is a great idea and often acts as an early warning system to our emotions….a kind of “ Don’t come near me , I’m not responsible for my actions right now “
However sadly in this day and age its not the done thing and we to an extent have to hide our emotions and return to normal , when sadly we may never feel NORMAL again ……
Under the employment standard code , employees are entitled to 3 days bereavement leave and this is unpaid ! 3 days !! I remember when Kevs’ mum died he got a week and then was called into the office and given a warning after he had been off for 10 days , again unpaid.
It is a subject matter that I think needs a complete overhaul and review in this modern society of everything being hurried.
If we don’t grieve correctly and allow the process it always comes back to haunt us later in life….I see this all the time, often 2 or 3 years later on it comes from nowhere and hits us like a bullet.
There are then people who after 6 months or less after he death of a spouse have found new love and remarried. This happens considerably more than you would think. I appreciate it is not for everyone, but perhaps it is art of their own unique grief process .
How ever long it takes you always remember it is vital to allow it to be…….it’s a process that is unlike any other and is needed to process the pain and how you feel. One of the most vital part of this to me is to talk about your loss ! Don’t bottle it up and hide away. That leads to another set of problems and makes it harder to deal with. It’s ok to admit you’re not ok and struggling with it and it’s one thing to put a brave face on but another to dig a big hole and bury yourself in it !
One of the big issues many people face is guilt from actually going on with life and having some fun, something as simple as even having friends down and sharing the stories and having a laugh can spiral people into guilt. Our loved ones in heaven like us to have fun ! Even just to smile and have simple laughter…..it is perfectly OK !
I believe grief is never ending, I will grieve until I take my last breath but although I have not healed from the pain , I have adapted and formed a new life without that someone special in it as he used to be. I know he is with me, I feel him every day and I look forward to the multitude of signs I receive . It doesn’t take away the pain but I can now control the pain and work with it instead of against it.
Life is for living and I hope if youre reading this now it may help you to understand that it’s all natural , take your time ……but allow it to happen
Much love P