Over the 3 decades I have been doing this work (it’s more like a vocation to be honest) anyway where was I? I have heard some truly awful things said to people about their loss of a loved one. I have also had things said to me that have made my skin literally crawl. I believe there is a correct etiquette, if you like in dealing with people’s grief process. Mostly it is common sense and manners but it does seem to be a minefield of wrong things. Step on the mine and boom everything is broken and for many, the recovery process is lengthened by some of these comments .
During grieving you are extremely vulnerable and the slightest thing can set you back. So think before you speak, if you’re dealing with someone in the first stages of grief. There is also the thought that saying nothing is also bad or those people that just blank you or pretend not to see you because of their inability to be able to handle the situation. Often plainly avoiding the subject or the person who has actually died can be more distressing, it’s like they have just vanished!
When someone close to you dies, your world is torn apart. During this time you’re as fragile as tissue paper, feeling as if the slightest breeze might rip you apart completely.
Those close may try to console you, but many of them will not know what to say I’ve been on both sides, I’d like to offer a few suggestions for what not to say to a newly grieving person.
- “Cheer up. Your (loved one who died) wouldn’t want you to be sad”. Whilst this is true and they really don’t like seeing us sad, in reality it’s impossible to cheer up during grief. We may find little moments of happiness in the small things we can cling on too, but being coco the clown is definitely not on.
- “They are in a better place now” Whilst l appreciate Heaven is pretty awesome, it’s not somewhere I‘m in a hurry to visit! And yes, my family are there but a better place would be sat on my sofa watching me write this or cooking my Sunday roast how my mum used to. For many the only ‘better’ place is right next door to them.
- “You should be over it by now“ Grieving isn’t an illness or a contagious disease you can simply ‘get over’. For many it’s a lifetime journey and isn’t something you can hurry or dismiss. There may be times even after a long period following the death that it spikes and you end up at square one again. Also, in this category is: “Are you feeling better?“, “Have you turned a corner”, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself”. Time is irrelevant when dealing with a broken heart, it just stands still and you can’t put a timetable on it. If you have not experienced deep grief only then will you truly understand this notion.
- “You’re young enough to have another one” I kid you not that this was said to a client of mine following the death of her child! This is one of the most fragile of all situations when anyone has lost a child, miscarried or had the death of a baby. Also said are the following: “At least you didn’t get to know them “ “Natures way of getting rid of them” “Jump back on the bike and try again”. During the loss of a child a parent’s emotions are filled with so much distress, shock, guilt and a 100 other feelings that the smallest thing can set them off into a spiral but saying heartless things really isn’t helping anyone. A simple “I’ll keep you in my prayers and thoughts“ or “I’m here if you need me for anything” is just enough.
- ”Stop crying“, I have been told this myself so many times. I’ll stop when I feel I can stop and if I can’t deal with it!! You can’t hide your emotions and neither should you and if a person can’t deal with that then perhaps they shouldn’t be around you? I would prefer them to say “do you need a hug or a tissue?”
- “I know how you feel”. Whilst many of us have said this, how can you ever know how someone feels after their loss? Grief is so individual and no one person can ever experience it the same. You may have lost the same relative but everyone’s relationships are different. Consider the person’s feelings, their pain and their circumstances and then can you know how they feel?
- “They had a good innings”. Yes, perhaps they did pass at the grand age of 99 but age doesn’t matter. If this was your loved one how would you feel. Death is death and no matter how long you have loved a person for or how old they are is totally irrelevant and should never come into the equation.
Sometimes the simplest things are often the best. All we really need is a kind smile, a thought and the knowing that people are there should we need them. Think before you speak and act as you truly can as you never know what that person needs to hear.