Handling Christmas After the Death of a Loved One

As Halloween is now over the shops fill up with Christmas merchandise and the songs are playing on the radio but one of the most painful issues I come across is how to survive the Christmas period after the death of a person you love.
Because the holidays are supposed to be family times, and because of the extraordinary (although unrealistic) expectation that you should feel close to everyone, this time of year can really bring to the front the absence of your loved one in heaven more than any other time of the year.
Sometimes it’s hard enough to survive Christmas when all of your loved ones are here as this can be a very stressful time of the year anyway.
The important thing to remember is that you and your family do have options about how to cope with the holidays. These are a few things to keep in mind.
As much as you’d like to skip from November to January 2nd, this is impossible. Therefore, it will be wise for you to take control of the situation by facing it squarely and planning for what you want to do and what you do not want to do to get through this time.

• Make choices and stick to them
• Realize that the anticipation of pain at the holidays is always worse than the actual day.
• Remember that what you decide for this year can be changed next year; you can move to something new or back to the old way. Decide what is right for you and your family now. Don’t worry about all the other holidays to come in years ahead. You will  be at different places in your mourning and in your life then.
• Allow that your distress about the Christmas period is normal. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Countless other bereaved people have felt, and do feel, as you do right now.
• Ask yourself and your loved ones to decide what is important for you to make your Christmas meaningful and bearable. Then, through compromise and negotiation, see if everyone can get a little of what he or she wants and needs Give-and-take is important here.
• Do something to remember your loved one at Christmas. Think about including something that you can do to honour the memory of your loved one. For example, maybe burn a candle in their honour or hang a special Christmas ornament or plant a tree on New Year’s Day.

• Remember that the holidays are filled with unrealistic expectations for intimacy, closeness, relaxation, and joy for all people – not just for the bereaved. Try not to buy into this for yourself – you already have enough to contend with.
• Be aware of the pressures, demands, depression, increased alcohol intake, and fatigue that comes with the festive period. As a bereaved person you may feel these more than others. Take time out to take care of yourself during this time. You will need it even more.
• Re-evaluate family traditions. Ask yourself and your surviving loved ones whether you need to carry them on this year or whether you should begin to develop some new ones. Perhaps you can alter your traditions slightly so that you can still have them to a certain extent but don’t have to highlight your loved one’s absence more than it already is. For example, you may want to have Christmas dinner at your children’s house instead of yours or perhaps eat out? Or you might open presents on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning.
• Remember that your loved one’s absence will cause pain no matter what you do. This is only natural and right. After all, you are mourning because you love and miss this person. Try to mix this with your love for those you still have and your positive memories of the past. “Bittersweet” is a good word to describe this. You can feel the sweetness of the holiday but also the bitterness of your loved one’s absence. Together they can give you a full, rich feeling, marked with love for those present and those gone whom you will never forget.
• Plan ahead for your shopping tasks. Make a list ahead of time. Then, if you have a good day, capitalize on it and do the shopping you can. Try to consolidate the stores you want to visit. If you have trouble with shopping right now, do your shopping by catalog or mail order, or ask friends to help you out.
• Tears and sadness do not have to ruin the entire holiday for you or for others. Have the cry you need and you will be surprised that you can go on again until the next time you need to release the tears. Facing family holidays in your loved ones absence are normal mourning experiences and part of the healing process. Let your tears and sadness come and go throughout the whole day if necessary. The tears and emotions you do not express will be the ones which are destructive to you.
• Ask for what you want or need from others during the holidays. One bereaved mother said that, as appropriate, she wanted to hear her daughter in heavens name  mentioned. She knew everyone was thinking of her daughter and wanted them to share their thoughts.
• You may find yourself reminiscing about other holidays you shared with your loved ones in heaven, this is normal. Let the memories come, talk about them. This is part of mourning and doesn’t stop just because it is a holiday. In fact, the holidays usually intensify it.
• Having some fun at the holidays does not mean you don’t miss your loved one. It is not a betrayal. You must give yourself permission to have fun when you can, just like you must give yourself permission to mourn when you have the need.

Some notes taken from Therese A. Rando, How To Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam Books, 1991, pp 289-292. Originally published on Legacy.com November 2008.